Living with trauma: banishing the dark matter

I was feeling all the dark stuff with a certain precision. Fear, pain, anger, it was all in sharp focus. I looked up and I could see the faces of people who love me, I could hear them laugh and I thought

“I must be having a good time”.

Aren’t I? Then why couldn’t I feel it? Surely something’s wrong because if I can feel this bad, shouldn’t I also be able to feel the good if it is actually real? Have I manufactured happiness? Tricked myself into believing it’s real?

And this is what it is like living with trauma. But it’s not this straight forward either. You see, as much as I hate living in the depths of the shadows, I can also feel it is somehow serving me because what I most afraid of is not feeling. Feeling numb is worse than feeling pain. And that my friends, is why PTSD is a bastard.

This next bit is for us all and most importantly to any of you who live in fear, pain, anger, shame,…let’s call it the dark matter- it is not your friend. Did you hear that? The dark matter is not your ally.

Don’t get fooled into thinking its familiar scent is yours to hold and harbour. It doesn’t make you real or alive because you’re hugging your pain tight. It’s fooling you into thinking you don’t exist without feeling the dark stuff. That you’ll be empty without it’s lingering scent.

The truth is that it needs you more than you need it. You are just a host. Without you, the trauma can’t live on, it dies.

I’m an expert on trauma. I wish I wasn’t. BUT or perhaps AND as a result of surviving all manner of trauma I’ve also become an expert at loving but that’s for another post! The cards I was dealt and later dealt myself, mean I’ve experienced sexual, physical and emotional trauma. I’ve been there and worst of all, I wore the badge and carried it with me for 40 years. I felt so courageous and honourable too. What an ass!

Listen carefully:

You’re not doing yourself or the world any favours by wearing trauma as a badge or by refusing to let go of its clutches. Siding and identifying yourself with it is not liberating you but keeping you at bay.

You need to acknowledge it and talk to your pain but then, kick it out! Its a bad tenant who isn’t paying you any rent! Only you can do the work to set yourself free. For me this work involves yoga, running and soon, trauma therapy. I won’t pretend that it has been easy accepting I need professional help. Until now my pride has kept me from asking for what I need. I didn’t think I had what it takes to look at the darkness head on. Now I realise that its taking much more energy to sustain these shadows then it will to face them.

I’m about to embark on this path to recover myself and I’m fucking scared- but not as scared as the thought of living in this PTSD world forever. I’ve a long road ahead and I’ll be sharing my journey in hope that it sheds light and provides oxygen to heal and renew.